Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Facing My Fear of Commitment

I have a fear of commitment. Most people think of relationships when they think about fear of commitment, but that is one of the few areas where I can commit to without a problem. Committing to other things, especially races, is where my fear seems to rear its ugly head. I am often well into training before I actually register for the race.

My fear of commitment is really driven by fear of failing. I feel like I have failed in a number of life areas in the past few years and if I never actually commit to a race, I can’t fail. Ending up with a DNF is very scary to me. The rational side of me knows that if you enter enough races you will probably end up with one at some point, but I am not sure what I would do if that happens.

Right now I am looking at two races, and I need actually commit soon or the races will be sold out. The first is the Richmond Half-Marathon in November. Since, I had a great 13-mile run on Sunday, all I need to do is keep up my training and this race shouldn’t be a problem. 

The other race is the Walt Disney World Marathon in January and this is the one I am really afraid to commit to. I have started training for this race twice before and failed to ever start the race. The first time I was sidelined by injuries, and the second time life got in the way. (I would never recommend trying to train for a marathon while moving across the country and starting a PhD program.) Now, I am in the best shape of my adult life, I have been training since May and it is probably the last time for several years I will be able to do this type of training, but I am still finding it hard to commit to this race.

I know that you can never finish something you don’t start, but right now it seems that starting is more difficult than finishing.